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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.